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nHoodies are easily recognised, dressed in a uniform of jeans and/or American sports gear, topped off with a large fleece or nylon top with a funnel-like hood which serves to completely obscure their faces. This has the disconcerting effect of making their speech - a kind of bastardised version of West Indian patois, as satirised by Ali G - sound all echoey.
Once unmasked (or should that be unhooded?), Hoodies almost always sport grey, cadaverous skin; a slimline, bum-fluff moustache; a thick coating of acne (caused by years of guzzling fizzy drinks and fast food); and a close-shorn barnet. To persons of a delicate disposition and/or a certain age, a Hoodie's visage has a Medusa-like power: they dare not gaze upon his face directly, lest they be turned to stone (or given a good kicking).
Fortunately for staff and fearful customers, Hoodies lack the means to visit out-of-store mega-sheds, which, in any case, carry little of interest (ie. worth nicking). They'd much rather hang around in trainer shops or CD emporia, where the goods on offer appeal far more. And if they are going to visit grocery stores, they'd rather pop into their local independent, where hard-pressed owners cannot afford security guards.
However, Hoodies do occasionally visit supermarkets (never Waitrose, however - the whiff of middle-class virtue repels them). When they do, the ritual is always the same. They hover menacingly in groups of two or three - never singly - at the entrance before swaggering into the store.
After loitering for several minutes intimidating pensioners, Hoodies hover around displays of small, stealable items of high value. At some point, a number of these items will find their way into their capacious pockets. Then they will make their way to the tobacco counter, where they pay for the items they visibly have and leave the store. It is at this point that the security guards pounce, forcing them to empty their pockets. Sometimes, however, Hoodies manage to leg it down the street before the overweight security men can nab them.
Society is to blame, of course. If only those shops weren't stuffed full of such tempting items!
Has the number of customer complaints about the price of goods increased recently?
