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Life is good for the estate agent. As he strolls around the supermarket, choosing the best a modern retail mega-shed has to offer, he is justifiably pleased with himself. He's grown fat on commission in the past few years, and the ludicrously overheated housing market means that he will be living off the fat of the land for a good while yet.
An agent's favourite supermarket is Waitrose. Not for its range, quality of service or produce; or its ethical stance on many issues. He loves Waitrose because its arrival in an area drives up house prices, letting him bung a few extra grand on that already pricey terraced house.
The estate agent likes the good things - smoked salmon, Champagne, etc. A big chunk of his shopping budget goes on Champagne. There's always something to celebrate, and our friend likes to read the world's smuggest magazine, GQ, a title full of flash cars and adverts for flash properties.
But there are flashbacks to days when property prices weren't as buoyant: Gold Blend coffee is one; pies and pasties another; baked beans a third. Mildly guilty about fleecing the desperate, he salves his conscience with Fairtrade, free-range and organic groceries. The yuppus also finds it tricky to switch out of work mode - if a new product shows signs of being popular he'll snap it up. Whole fixtures in stores can be stripped bare in this way by hordes of yuppi.
Despite spending £100 a week on bubbly alone, the yuppus is not popular with store managers because he pisses off other customers, wandering around braying into a mobile phone. Other punters cut short their shopping just to escape him. His habit of buying up stocks means that there is nothing left for anyone else.
In a housing boom, estate agents breed like locusts, and the effect of thousands descending on supermarkets is starting to affect bottom lines. There are even dark mutterings of instituting a cull.
The female of the species, yuppa smugga, prefers buying clothes and shoes rather than booze and boys' toys. However, she still likes premium-priced food, toiletries and cosmetics and, with her power suits and expensive mobile, has a similar "eek, it's an estate agent, get me outta here!" effect on ordinary shoppers.
The estate agent's basket
Copy of GQ
Asparagus when in season
Smoked salmon
Organic/Fairtrade fruit & veg
Handmade pasta
Shockwaves hair gel
Pastry from in-store bakery
Six bottles of Champagne
Ginsters pasty
Free-range eggs
Jar of Gold Blend coffee
Has the number of customer complaints about the price of goods increased recently?
